Things That Bring a Smile to My Face

• My husband's sweet hugs and kisses.


• The smell of my Mom's cooking after a long day at work (she's here with us on vacation).


• Phone call from my beloved sister.


• The sight of our lovely newly-built house.


• the glipmse of sunset from my window.


• my Mom and Dad's comforting words.


• my 8-year old nephew's endless chatter.


• my husband telling me he loves me.


• reading other people's blogs.


• receiving comments from my blogger friends.


• our coming 1st year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas.


• our housewarming/thanks giving party for family and friends.


• the smell of fresh flowers from our dining table.


• my boss getting a new office and finally getting out of my hair.


• promising results from the project I'm working on.


• listening to funny Elvis Duran on my way to work.


• having a family who loves me wholeheartedly.


• having supportive in-laws who cares about me deeply.
• having totally amazing friends.


• knowing I have a wonderful man who thinks the world of me!

This Will Pass Away, Too

I found this poem by Helen Steiner Rice and loved it!!!

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be ...

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me ...

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that "this will pass away, too!" ...

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all the chains

That are binding me tight in "the darkness"

And trying to fill me with fear ...

For there is "no night without dawning"

And I know that "my morning" is near.

Surrendering to Fate

I've always believed that, except in certain aspects of our lives, our journey in this planet Earth is something that we can orchestrate on our own.

I was wrong.

We can plan our life to a T, and put in all our dedication and hardwork, but the truth is... if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. There are things in life that are just out of our control, and no matter how hard we try, we can't force them to happen.

This latest experience of mine had humbled me. It's ironic how I tried to orchestrate my path to motherhood by dumping a guy who can't give me a child, only to fall deeply into the arms of another one who can't. Maybe it's karma or maybe it's God's way of telling me something. I don't know what it is, but I know one thing for sure. I'm done being sad! I can cry my eyes out, moan and curse my fate but the thing is, it won't do me any good. It's something that is totally out of my control. And so, I'm surrendering to whatever God has in store for me. I'm done trying to map out my life. I will never lose hope for my future, but I will live life, one day at a time.

Hhhmmm.... maybe I should change the the title of my blog from Orchestrated Destiny to Surrendering to Fate. What do you think, my dear friends? ;-)

I am Strong

First of all, I wanted to thank all of my wonderful blogger friends for all the support. Your comforting words mean the world to me. Thank you very much!!!

I wish I can say that I have good news and that I'm happier today, but I can't. I went to the doctor with my husband yesterday, expecting what she'll say (being a researcher, I already researched all the information), yet hearing her confirm what I dreaded most seemed more painful. I know I can't lose hope, we have options and we have all kinds of technology nowadays to help a woman get pregnant. But, it still scares me to think of all the things we have to go through just to have a baby. And worse still, I dread the lingering uncertainty even with all these options!

The thing is, the problem isn't with me. My husband has genetically high cholesterol that resulted to him having a heart problem at the age of 30 and being on medication since that mild attack five years ago. Our fertility doctor believed that those cholesterol medications are one of the possible causes of the problem we're having now. It might be reversible if he gets off the drugs, but how can we risk his life? I want a baby, but I want the father to be around to see the baby, too!

Honestly, this week had been very tough for me. I try not to worry and think about it too much, but on days that I feel depressed, I wonder if I could handle it. I wanted to be a mother so badly and I'm not sure if I can handle dispappointment after disappointment trying to have one. I don't think I'm strong enough. And on worse days, my evil mind begins to wonder if I can stay in this marriage. But then, a stronger force pulls me back and forces me to answer more important questions.

How can I possibly leave a man whom I love with all my heart and can't imagine living without? How can I leave a man who loves me so much he's willing to risk his life by temporarily getting off his medication just to give me a baby? And how can I leave a man who cares so much about my happiness he'd let me go to a sperm bank and raise my kid as his own if worse comes to worst?

The answer is, I cant and I won't. I love him too much to even think of leaving him. Deep down, my love for him is a lot stronger than my desire to have a biological child.

In a way, I feel bad because I know that this is hard, if not harder, for him as it is for me. And then I make it worse when I show him how depressed I am, making him feel guiltier knowing he couldn't give me what I want. I know he's doing his best to make me happy. He is a wonderful man. He loves me the way nobody ever did before and the way I've always dreamed to be loved. I'd be a fool to ruin a great relationship.

And so, I won't give up on my marriage, although I won't give up on my dream to be a mother, too. If in the end, we've exhausted all options and adoption is our last resort, so be it. My baby might not be born from my belly, but he or she will be born from my heart.

I am strong. I can handle this.

Broken Heart

My worst nightmare had came true.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my utterly strong desire to have a baby and become a mother. There is nothing I want more than to have one. My husband and I had been trying for six months now and so far we haven't had any luck. People had been telling me that I just need to be patient, but I coulnd't. I had to know if there's something wrong or at least get my peace of mind if there isn't. So I dragged my husband to the doctor and had ourselves checked.

Turned out there is something wrong. We still need to talk to the doctor to clarify (it was just the assistant who told us the initial results) and know what our options are, but so far, we know that there's a problem and we might go through some trouble trying to conceive. I don't know all the exact details yet but I will on Thursday.

Needless to say, I felt so crushed. I spent the whole weekend crying my eyes out. Even now, as I write this post, I can feel the tears brimming from my eyes. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm still hoping for the best... hoping that we do have several options, because I don't think I can take it if we don't. I woke up this morning feeling this huge emptiness in my heart. I can't go through this. I'm not strong enough for it. And I don't think I've done anything so wrong to deserve this kind of pain. I know in my heart I would be a great (not just good) mother.

Back from California

I'm back from California, and though I'm very happy to be back in my husband's arms, I can't say I'm too happy to be back in this darn cold Ohio weather.

Anyway, my trip went really well.

First of all, my talk was well-received. I was nervous at first, but once I got going, all the nervousness flew and I started talking with more confidence. A lot of people stood up to congratulate me, and even the chairman of the session told me I had the best presentation he had seen. Needless to say, I was so happy and proud.

And of course, I finally saw my childhood bestfriend again... after 18 years! We had such a great time catching up. I missed her so much. She's still the same pretty and wonderful friend I've always known her to be. She's getting married next year and I'm so happy for her.

One strange thing, though. I got asked out twice during the conference. Sure, I know I'm hot (hahaha), but I've got a wedding ring on! How could these guys ignore the fact that I'm married and still invite me out for dinner and drinks? In a way, I know it's easier to start a conversation when you're in a conference (there's an abundance of topics to talk about), but don't they have the decency to chose a single woman? I've been to conferences before and I've been asked out a few times too, but I was single then, so it didn't bother me. My situation is different now! What do they expect? A one-night stand? Maybe I'm just over-reacting, but I'm beginning to wonder if these things are really common in these types of gatherings, and I was just oblivious about it. (Come to think of it, my Ex cheated on me while he was in one!) And this happens to be a technology conference... with lots of supposedly professional men! Anyway, I said No (of course) and tried to avoid them the rest of the day.

Still, I'd say the conference went pretty well. I saw all these amazing technological progresses, and I'm happy to be a part of a field that contributes to bettering peoples lives. It's times like this when I feel that I'm somehow making a difference in this society we live in.

Baby Fever

Why is it that the more you want something, the more elusive it seems to you?

I've never wanted something in my life before as much I do now.

I desperately wanted to have a baby.

My husband and I have been trying for five months now, and so far we haven't had any luck. I know I should just relax and wait patiently, but as much as I try, I couldn't. It's easier said than done. I go through a roller coaster emotion of having so much hope, and then feeling crushed whenever I realize it's not happening that month. And then, as if the world wants to taunt me for wanting it, I see babies and pregnant mothers everywhere. My co-worker's wife is expecting twins, my friend in Michigan just gave birth, and even my teenage cousin, who's definitely not ready to have a baby, is having an accidental pregnancy.

And as time goes by, I become more and more worried and scared. I go through a slight depression once a month when I get my womanly thing. But...I won't give up. I have faith that one day, he or she will come. Becoming a mother is really very important to me. I don't know how I'll react if I find out we can't have at least one child. In fact, as terrible as this might make me sound, I broke up with a guy I used to date when he confessed to me that he can't have kids. He understood though, and let me go. He and I knew that if I ended up with him, I might be happy in the short term, but I'd be unhappy in the long run. (Maybe this is my karma? Please God, no!) I just would never feel fulfilled. That's how motherhood means to me.

So my blog friends, please pray for for me and my husband. I need your prayers and support.